Las 5 etapas del divorcio, según yo - The 5 stages of divorce, according to me



La vida está hecha de decisiones, unas se dan más como casualidad y en forma de oportunidad, que pasan y las tomas. El amor es una de esas, pues llega así de golpe y simplemente lo aceptas y lo permites entrar en tu vida.

Luego llega el matrimonio, como una propuesta, luego un compromiso, que se convierte en un construir juntos. Con el tiempo, llegan los hijos, como algo que el destino te regala en forma de sorpresa. Una mañana te despiertas, haces una prueba casera y una segunda rayita azul te da la noticia, que te llena el estómago de mariposas.

Y así la vida te va dando oportunidades, tú vas tomando decisiones y se va pasando el tiempo. Pero el divorcio es diferente, porque lo piensas y piensas, le das vueltas, cambias de opinión, lo consultas con la almohada, con amigas, con terapeutas, y por más que lo piensas, nunca es fácil, pues al final de cuentas, es una de las pocas decisiones que de la vida que no se toman como una oportunidad, sino como una elección; y entre oportunidad y elección hay mucho trecho.

En mi caso, ese trecho fueron mucho años de pensarlo una y otra vez (más exactamente 15), toda una vida. Es como tener un ángel y un diablo discutiendo en tu cabeza: “Hay que intentarlo, piensa en tus hijos” dice una voz, “No eres feliz”, dice la otra; “Te vas a quedar sola”, argumenta la primera, “Es mejor solo, que mal acompañado” le responde la segunda. Y así en medio de esa discusión interna se va pasando la vida.

Después de un tiempo, para tomar la decisión final, hay que dejar de escuchar las voces; vencer los miedos, los qué dirán y escuchar a tu corazón suena fácil, pero es lo más difícil que he hecho en toda mi vida.

Hoy hace 8 meses del día que me desperté con la decisión tomada, y recién ahora estoy digiriendo un poco las cosas, porque creo que parte de mi proceso de sanación está en verlo todo desde la orilla y no desde la corriente del río mismo.

Por lo tanto he clasificado mi proceso en las siguientes etapas:
1. Vencer el miedo y saltar al agua: cuando uno lleva tanto tiempo casada con la misma persona, te llenas de miedos y dependencias. Está el miedo a estar sola, el miedo a no poder sin él, el miedo al qué dirán, el miedo al sufrimiento. Así que de la misma forma en que una vez salté en la cueva el indio al agua, en medio de la oscuridad, una mañana cerré los ojos y dije, hagámoslo, saltemos al vacío, puede estar frío y oscuro, pero no hay vuelta atrás.

2. La sensación de estar viva: Cuando salté y toque el agua helada, me sentí más viva que nunca, eso pasó en la cueva, y pasó también en la separación, llevaba años de inercia y de vivir la vida tal y como me lo decían. La letra de “Libre Soy” de Frozen cobró sentido en mí. Era libre, ya no era la niña buena que todos querían que fuera, le di espacio a mi propio potencial y tenía todo un camino por recorrer, aunque frío e inhóspito.

3. El encuentro con la soledad: hay muchos tipos de soledad, y son muy difíciles de explicar. Primero está esa soledad que yo vivía en el matrimonio, pues estaba sola, pero acompañada, aunque él estaba en casa, realmente no estaba, pues estaba su cuerpo, pero su mente estaba en el partido de fútbol, en la TV, en cualquier otro lado. Luego está la soledad de estar tú a cargo de todo el hogar, sin esa presencia masculina fantasmal, que al menos servía de consuelo, y no es una soledad del todo, es una que da más miedo, porque tus hijos ahora son totalmente tu responsabilidad y si pasa algo, tendrá que hacerte cargo tú.

Y me pasó, mi pequeño se golpeó la nariz y sangraba copiosamente, y fue cuando me di cuenta que yo tendría que llevarlo a urgencias, sola en un taxi y enfrentarme sola al miedo y la logística que esto implica.

Luego viene otra soledad peor, la de saber que llega el domingo, él se lleva a los niños, y tú que no tienes amigas solteras, ni a nadie, no sabes que hacer con tanto tiempo libre, que nunca habías tenido en tu vida, que hasta ahora era un eterno correr entre el trabajo, la familia y el hogar.

4. Redefinirte, encontrarte: Ahora que tienes algo que nunca habías tenido, y es tiempo libre, tiempo para ti misma, te sientas a pensar en qué hacer, y llega el momento de definir qué quieres. Y ahí vienen nuevas decisiones que tomar. Lo primero que piensas en meter otro hombre en tu vida, pero no solo no es fácil, sino que realmente no es buena idea.

No niego que lo he intentado, y que me gustaría, pero los hombres a mi edad, se interesan por las más jóvenes, y le huyen a las mujeres con tres hijos, y es de entender. Por lo cual te enfrentas a que no hay muchas opciones, por lo tanto, tienes que ser consciente de que el miedo a estar sola, era totalmente justificado y es una consecuencia que hay que asumir.

Por lo tanto, vuelves a tus hobbies, ir a cine, leer, tomar clases, el gimnasio, en fin, cada fin de semana se convierte en una lienzo en blanco que hay que empezar a dibujar.

5. Aceptación: con lo bueno y lo malo, tu vida cambió, es otra. Es una nueva y diferente. Así que hay que aceptar y aprender a construirla de nuevo. Es como comenzar de cero, pero mucho equipaje a cuestas.

Descubres que para ellos es más fácil, siguen con sus rutinas, son más libres y sin cargas entre semana, solo la parte fácil del plan de fin de semana, y peor aún, rehacen su vida sentimental con una facilidad impresionante, y te toca aceptar que ya tienen una nueva pareja, más joven y bonita, y peor, que se ve feliz.

No es fácil, pero al menos, las voces dejaron de ser dos, y ahora son una sola que te dicen: “Fue tu decisión, son tus consecuencias” ,“Vive tu vida”, “Tú puedes lograrlo”. Y con esa sintonía, ya te sientes bien, aunque haya malos días, porque el futuro ahora te pertenece, y está por construir. Hay un nuevo aire, y te pertenece.

Life is made of decisions, some are given as chance and in the form of opportunity, passing and taking. Love is one of those, because it comes so suddenly and you simply accept it and allow it to enter your life.

Then comes the marriage, as a proposal, then a commitment, which becomes a build together. In time, the children arrive, as something that fate gives you in the form of surprise. One morning you wake up, you do a home test and a second blue hairline gives you the news, which fills your stomach with butterflies.

And so life gives you opportunities, you make decisions and time passes. But divorce is different, because you think about it and think about it, you go around it, you change your mind, you consult with the pillow, with friends, with therapists, and no matter how you think about it, its never easy, because in the end, its One of the few decisions of life that are not taken as an opportunity, but as a choice; And between opportunity and choice there is much stretch.

In my case, that stretch was many years of thinking it over and over (more exactly 15), a lifetime. Its like having an angel and a devil arguing in your head: "You have to try, think of your children," says one voice, "You are not happy," says the other; "Youre going to be left alone," argues the first, "Its better alone, than badly matched," the second responds. And so in the midst of that inner discussion, life goes on.

After a while, to make the final decision, we must stop listening to the voices; Overcome the fears, what they will say and listen to your heart ... sounds easy, but it is the most difficult thing I have done in my life.

Today 8 months ago from the day I woke up with the decision made, and now Im digesting things a little bit, because I think part of my healing process is to see everything from the shore and not from the stream itself.

Therefore I have classified my process in the following stages:

1. Overcome fear and jump into the water: when you have been married for so long with the same person, you are full of fears and dependencies. There is the fear of being alone, the fear of not being able to be without it, the fear of what they will say, the fear of suffering. So in the same way that I once jumped the Indian into the water, in the middle of the darkness, one morning I closed my eyes and said, lets do it, jump into the void, it may be cold and dark, but there is no turning back .

2. The feeling of being alive: When I jumped and touched the cold water, I felt more alive than ever, that happened in the cave, and also happened in the separation, took years of inertia and living life as I They said The lyrics of "Free Soy" by Frozen made sense in me. I was free, I was no longer the good girl that everyone wanted to be, I gave space to my own potential and had a way to go, although cold and inhospitable.

3. The encounter with loneliness: there are many types of loneliness, and they are very difficult to explain. First there is that loneliness that I lived in the marriage, because I was alone, but accompanied, although he was at home, really was not, because his body was, but his mind was in the football game, on TV, in any other side. Then there is the loneliness of being in charge of the whole home, without that ghostly male presence, which at least served as comfort, and is not a solitude at all, is one that gives more fear, because your children are now entirely your responsibility And if anything happens, you will have to take care of yourself.

And it happened to me, my little boy hit his nose and bleeding copiously, and it was when I realized that I would have to take him to the emergency room, alone in a taxi and face the fear and logistics that this implies alone.

Then there comes another worse loneliness, that of knowing that Sunday comes, he takes the children, and you who do not have single friends, or anyone, do not know what to do with so much free time, that you had never had in your life, Which until now was an eternal run between work, family and home.

4. Redefine yourself, find yourself: Now that you have something that you have never had, and it is free time, time for yourself, you sit down to think about what to do, and it is time to define what you want. And there are new decisions to take. The first thing you think of putting another man in your life, but not only is not easy, but really not a good idea.

I do not deny that I have tried, and that I would like, but men at my age, are interested in the youngest, and they flee to women with three children, and it is to understand. So you face that there are not many options, therefore, you have to be aware that the fear of being alone, was totally justified and is a consequence that must be assumed.

So, go back to your hobbies, go to the movies, read, take classes, gym, anyway, every weekend becomes a blank canvas that you have to start drawing.

5. Acceptance: with good and bad, your life changed, is another. It is a new and different. So you have to accept and learn to build it again. Its like starting from scratch, but a lot of baggage.

You discover that for them it is easier, they continue with their routines, they are more free and without loads during the week, just the easy part of the weekend plan, and worse, re their sentimental life with an impressive facility, and it touches you Accept that they already have a new partner, younger and prettier, and worse, who looks happy.

Its not easy, but at least, the voices stopped being two, and now they are only one that say: "It was your decision, its your consequences", "Live your life", "You can do it." And with that tuning, you feel good, even if there are bad days, because the future now belongs to you, and is about to be built. There is a new air, and it belongs to you.

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